Losing jobs and gaining perspective

I am depressed right now. I've been trying to downplay it and cheer myself up, but there's no getting around it. This isn't an "I'm going to sit in my room in the dark and cry all day" type of depressed. I've just lost my sense of optimism. It's hard to wake up and face a new day this way. The little things that I used to hang on to that made me feel better aren't there anymore. The good times have been few and far in between lately. I dunno, I think I'm being overly dramatic about this.

I lost my job recently. Here's my side of the story. I was scheduled to work that week on Thursday, Saturday, and a double-shift on Sunday. At some point early in the week, I had somehow convinced myself that I worked Friday instead of Saturday. I got an email from a filmmaker friend that needed help for auditions on Saturday for his upcoming project. I went to work on Thursday and all was fine. Friday morning I found the piece of paper on which I jotted down my schedule and realized that I didn't work Friday, I worked Saturday afternoon, a schedule that conflicted with the audition. I don't like bailing out on a film project, especially one where friends are involved. I'm not particularly talented or skilled, but I've spent the last couple of years building a reputation as a reliable, hard-working crew member. So backing out of the audition was out of the question. Since I got the job, I always felt that I prefer a free day at a film event than a paid day at work. But I was going to attempt to make the day work.

Saturday morning my dad needed to use my car during the day to run some errands, so he gave me a ride to Tempe, incidentally in the opposite direction from my house than work is. About halfway through the day, about 4 hours before my work shift was set to start, I called in to say I might not be coming in. My boss wasn't available so I had to leave a message with another employee. I was told when I was hired that four hours was sufficient time to give warning so they could find a replacement. Realizing my phone was low on battery, I shut it off so I could call my dad later when I needed him to pick me up. It didn't work out, and when we were done, my phone didn't have enough battery to turn back on. With no way of getting a hold of my dad, I had a gracious friend give me a ride home when we were done cleaning up. By then it was too late to consider going to work.

When I got home, I called work to talk to my boss since I was sure he would be upset. He was. He got very sensitive during our call telling me I let him, the other bussers, and the guests down. I'm sure the guests didn't really miss me. I apologized and told him we could talk about it when I came in for my double-shift on Sunday. He told to not bother coming in.

That's the abridged story. Sorry if it's still too long and drawn out. I don't really care about losing the job as much as about losing the source of income. I wasn't attached to working there. It was a chore just getting to work with how far away it was. Maybe I can find something a little closer to home or school. So where I used to be the last employed person in the family, there is now no income flowing in. That has greatly contributed to my depression. I had to sell my laptop a couple weeks ago so that we could make rent and avoid eviction. But that was a band-aid on a severed limb. We're still bleeding out with no help in sight. It's getting dire.

In addition to that, I am continuing to fail at school. There is no chance for redemption in Cinematography class. I have talked to my professor who with much grace sympathized with me and offered help if I ever needed it. I might take her up on that someday soon. It was nice to know she's in my corner though. The class just demanded too much time and resources that I did not have.

Well, I've written this post over the course of about a week. Things haven't gotten that much better, but I'm not as bummed out anymore. I've stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, and instead started trying to build a flashlight instead to get me through the path.

I said goodbye to another friend this week. Tristan Ringenoldus has left town to begin officer training in the US Army. I wish him the best of luck and a safe return. We had fun saying goodbye to him. He will be missed until his return. I've been glad to have a couple of good friends that have made me feel as appreciated as I appreciate them. Dan, Tristan, and Jared, thank you guys. I think back to my supposed "best friends" in high school, and they have all but disappeared when things changed a little. Even when we were more in touch, they didn't keep me in mind as much as these guys do, and for that I am grateful. I'll end now to avoid babbling, but I hope to write another entry soon. Hopefully one with better news.