Disclaimer and getting back on the horse

I really had no intention of writing an entry today, but something compelled me to. One of my older posts recently received a couple of replies. They were posted anonymously, but I have a feeling of who they may have come from. I'll start of by saying I'm sorry to that person. That person really went off on me and on the comments I made about pregnancy and babies. It troubles me to a great degree when my words hurt someone like that. To that end, let me explain a bit about how my blogging process works.

First of all, there actually is no process. I sit at the computer and I type whatever comes to mind. The majority of the time, this is reflective on recent events or newly acquired knowledge. It's reactionary writing. Every word is just the written version of whatever I am feeling at the moment. It's not really any thoughts that have been pondered and discussed. It's what writers call stream-of-consciousness writing. It's the closest that you'll get to living in my head, and that's a scary thought. I'm not making excuses for my opinions, but I am giving warning that there's a possibility that I will offend or insult somebody. It's happened before and it will probably happen again. All that I am saying is that sometimes I will write before thinking. It's my moment of weakness and irrationality. And if you know me, you know I hate irrationality. It helps often to look back at my writing and reflect on what those words say about me as a person and if that is the way I want to move forward with my life.

That being said, I am sorry to every mother or expecting mother that I may have offended or hurt. Childbirth is a wonderful thing that should not be taken lightly. I understand that and would go as far as to say it's the closest thing to a real miracle that us humans see on a regular basis. Although it is not in any way part of the path I have chosen for my life, I understand that some people consider it a great accomplishment to raise a happy and healthy family. Looking back at the date when I wrote that other post, I believe I was just feeling bitter that day. My family is far from perfect. In particular, my own mother has disappointed and hurt me greatly over the last few years. In retrospect a lot of my anger and disdain for the things I don't agree with stem from my strained relationship with her. My mother and I were great friends for the majority of my young life, and one day she betrayed that closeness and I still have not forgiven her for it. Because of that I lash out at other people that want to attempt to build that kind of relationship with their own children since I am fearful that another person will have to go through the pain and disillusionment that I have experienced. On that note, I just urge new and not so new mothers to always keep the interest of their children in mind. Your decisions carry double the consequences they did before.

As far as my comments about "loftier goals" from that other post, I also want to apologize. As I said, sometimes these blogs are moments of irrationality where I'm just feeling and not much thinking. If I'm in a shitty mood when I write, I tend to make my readers feel shitty and I'm sorry for that. I suppose that when I say that I expected "greater things" from them I was only thinking about my goals for them. That is selfish of me and it's the opposite of how I try to be towards others. Rather, I should and will support all of those I care about in whatever it is they decide to do in their lives without imposing my own aspirations on anybody else. This is something I should be more sensitive too. As an aspiring filmmaker I understand its easy for other people to try and discourage your progress and to undermine the efforts you make. And it's tough to be optimistic when you're faced with a tough situation, especially if your friends that you care about and look to for encouragement tell you that you're doing something wrong. For that, I infinitely apologize to the anonymous writer. That writing was a long time ago, and that person should have seen in the last few weeks how much I actually care and support them and their child. I hope they never again feel that I do not feel the way I actually do. That I love them and am there for them and their daughter.

Now that I have hopefully set the record straight on that matter, I'd like to say thank you to the anonymous commenter. If not for your comments I would probably have not written anything for a long while. It has reminded me of how much I love the written word and how eager I have been in the past to contribute my own writing. Now that you've lit this fire under me, I don't know if I will stop writing anytime soon. On that note, I'll say goodbye for now, but hopefully not for long.