Sleepless night and nightmares

Seems every time I feel compelled to write it is spurred by something that has been happening in my sleep, or with lack thereof. This time is no exception. I write this now without sleep since I wasn't able to sleep all night. Instead, I stayed up writing and playing online poker.

Lately, I have been watching a lot of the TV show Six Feet Under. Before I get into much, let me just quickly review it by simply saying it is the greatest show I've ever seen. If you know me well, you know that's hard for me to say considering my always high praise of The Sopranos. But as great as Tony and his crew were, the people on Six Feet Under are collectively better written and better acted. It's not a surprise considering the show was created and many episodes written by Allan Ball, the writer of American Beauty, one of my favorite movies. The basic premise of the show is the lives of a family that owns and operates a funeral home. Their father is killed in the first episode while on his way to pick up one of the sons from the airport. The whole show deals as these four adults -two sons, a daughter, and the mom- deal with the loss of their patriarch while providing services to other families that are grieving themselves. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you find the DVD or download the episodes online. It's a really good show about not only dealing with the imminence of death, but dealing with life too.

Okay, now that I've advertised, back to my own dreams. I think as a result of watching this show so much, my own subconscious was filled with all thees thoughts about my own mortality. A week or so ago, I had this dream... In my dream, I was at home with family and at some point a burglar entered the home or building we were in, and I stepped in to defend the family. During the struggle, the assailant took out a knife of some sort and stabbed me repeatedly in my stomach and chest. But this being my own dream, I was invincible. After I finished fighting the person -who's face or appearance I didn't really see- I walked around talking to my family. As dream time passed, I began feeling the stab wounds. But this is my dream, so it's no big deal. I'll recover in a few seconds. Except the pain gradually became stronger and stronger. And then I started to bleed from the biggest wound on the left side of my gut. The pain grew worse and worse till for one of the only times in my dreams, I was fearful for my life. As my mother and sister rushed to my side to get me to a hospital, the fear of death was so strong and so realistic, it might as well have been really happening. As I lay there asking for everyone's forgiveness and screaming that I was scared, I was startled out of my dream. As with other times I've been startled out of dreams, I tried getting right back to sleep to continue the dream. But I couldn't. It was then that this gripping dread overcame me as I realized it was impossible for me to get back to sleep. Dream Me had passed away. There was no more left to dream.

It's the closest I've come to a near-death or afterlife experience. I woke up trembling and in tears. It was an ugly feeling. I always liked to claim that I wasn't afraid of death, but if it's anything like that dream, death is one scary son-of-a-bitch who I don't look forward to meeting anytime soon. I woke up wanting to find every person that's ever meant anything to me and telling them how important they have been. But instead, I'll settle for showing them when I'm with them and hoping they realize it when my time comes. If you're among those people, thanks for everything. A startling experience, but I'm over it.

My sister asked me when I told if it was like if I found Jesus or something. I told her it was far from it. If anything, it reinforced my non-belief. I wasn't able to go back to sleep and dream about heaven or hell or anything in between. When my dream avatar died, that was it. My unfaith is unshaken. Actually, while on the subject I'd like to pose a question. Why do you believe? What is it, if applicable, that makes you believe in heaven, hell, God, Jesus, Allah, Ra, etc.? Was it because you were raised as such? Is it the only thing that gives your life meaning? Is it the fear of the wrath of a higher being, or to earn the reward from the same? Leave me a comment and let me know. I promise, I'll be respectful of your opinions. I only ask because I have yet to meet a person whose faith is water-tight. I have yet to meet a person who can convince me that their way of life and their beliefs merit some "afterlife" that is more worthy than anything I have coming.

I'll close with those thoughts and questions. There was other stuff I wanted to write about, but I think I'll hold on to them for another day, hopefully soon. Till then...